Sunday, February 25, 2007

The break in the clouds

"I don't think we can spend our lives together".

The unnerving silence that ensued consumed all unanswered questions. There were so many things she wanted to ask, to say, but the silence stiffled her. It had been months, years since she last met him, touched him. She was too overwhelmed with emotions to even count the number of days since they had broken up. Like a child dreads to enter a dark unexplored cave, she too was afraid that counting back to that unfortune day would rip apart her already battered heart. Mia did not have the courage to think about the last conversation she had with him. Before that everything else was crystal clear as if it had happened only yesterday. After that it didn't make a difference. Her life had come to a standstill, she went on living like an automaton, bathing, eating, sleeping - fulfilling the bare necessaties for survival, without emotions without feeling.

"We'll always be together ?"
"Till death does us apart honey"

Mia distintly remembered the day he has proposed to her. She was sitting by the window looking out at the sun setting over the lake with Bob Dalyn palying in the background. A box of Godiva chocolate lay in front of her, that he had got on his way back from Europe. She smiled and picked up the box, she was waiting for him to come before she opened the box. He could be heard in the kitchen, fiddling with the pots and pans to make coffee. Love for chocolate got the better of her and she ripped apart the wrapping paper. She opened the box to find one sole piece of chocolate remaining with a note. It read...

"The world's finest chocholate for the most wonderful girl in my life."

She broke it into two like she always did and there lay the ring. Overwhelmed by emotions, she ran up to him, hugged him and kissed him. The happniness was so intense it, came out in tears.

Its strange how tears change their meaning, the same tears that were a harbinger of happniess now represented intense sorrow and pain. Even the mention of his name used to make her eyes well up. They had been known as a couple for so long that everyone inquired about his absence. Initially she answered their questioning glances with a feeble smile, but soon she started to withdraw from the company of others. Acquaintances fell off and then even close friends followed suit. She wrapped a cacoon around herself that absorbed all the sounds from the outside. Nothing could get through to her. She no longer lived in this world, just continued a mere existance.

Mia was the only child, and fiercely independent. After her parents passed away she lived all alone. Wary of the ways of the world she allowed very few people to come close to her. A few friends at college, some relatives were the only people who knew what went on with her. Most of her evenings were spent in solitude looking out of the window or curled up with a book. Though a recluse in personal life, she was warm and helpul in the social world. Always ready to win people's heart with a smile and to lend a hand whenever required, as long as her personal space wasn't breeched. While working for CRY, she had met him. He was leading a project that she had volunteered for. The attraction was by no means instantaneous, Mia wasn't a girl given into emotional and hasty descisions. They met a couple of times and they started liking each other's company, the fondness that grows out of being with someone amicable for long durations of time. Slowly yet cautiously, she opened the door into her world. It was more than a year before they went out on their first date. It was pouring heavily when he arrived at her doorstep. He took out a crumpled bunch of flowers from underneath his jacket. She smiled and they hugged.

Every passing moment of her life she waited. She waited for his letters, his phone calls. She longed for him to return. She burned for his touch and his kisses. She listend to every footfall, lest it belong to him. At every knock she prayed to God that it was him. In the night she would get up when she didn't find him sleeping next to her. Everything was the way he had left it, nothing was moved out of place. He could come back tomorrow and start living as if nothing had happened. Everything that he had left behind lay encased in time. Whenever she was at home she could not bear to wear anything apart from the clothes that smelled of him. That was the only thing she looked forward to when she went back home. She always set two plates on the table, and waited for him to come home for dinner. When no one turned up she dumped all her evening's effort into the garbage.

She could never fathom why he had left her. Was it because of something she did, did he fall in love with another girl, where did he go away? There was so much that was left unanswered. In the night, these questions spread their heads like monstrous snakes ready to annihilate her. They grew within her till she could no longer contain them and more often than not came out in a flurry of tears. Her pillow was always drenched when she woke up in the mornings.

They had always gone on walks together, starlit night, cool chilly mornings. That was there most favourite hobby as a pair. When he was gone she continued retracing their steps. Everyday she hoped to find him jogging along one of these roads. But that day never came.

Once on her daily rendezvous, omnious clouds threatened the city. A thunderstorm was announced and everyone was asked to stay indoors, but she had more overpowering thoughts on her mind. Her own safety was the least of her concerns. She started out from her home driven by a maniacal urge that could not be restrained. After she had gone a long distance it started to rain. First it came down in mild droplets but soon the earth was pelted with ernomous raindrops. The stinging rain shot a wave of pain through her but she continued her quest. Soon she started to enjoy the suffering inflicted by the torrent. For once in many days she was thinking about something other than him. It was almost as if she had taken recluse in the pain caused by the downpour to escape from his memories that had haunted her. When she got back home she was completely drenched, her hair plastered all over her face. All her clothes were dripping.

She stepped out of her clothes and started to dry herself. Her hands automatically reached out to his jersey but then suddendly she stopped. For once she found the warmth of the towel more comforting than his clothes. She walked across the room and sat down by the window. The rain had stopped and the moon shone though the clearning in the clouds. The lake was bathed in the milky moonlight, she sat there, mesmerised, for a long while. Solitude was peaceful again. After sometime she got up and tucked herself in the bed. She thought about him, but this time there was a smile on her face instead of agony, she lovingly though of the time they had spent together and wished for his happiness. The rain had washed away all the pain and hurt, it had dissovled all the buring questions that haunted her. They no longer mattered now, she was at peace with herself. Soon sleep took over and she fell into deep slumber, one like she had not know in a long time. She slept calmly, the sleep took away all the tiredness weariness, for tomorrow would be a new day.

A tear of happiness escaped from her eyes.

This post was inspired by Meenakshi's post. I wanted to find a happy ending to her story and here is my 2 cents worth. I don't know a lot about love and am not romantically inclined though I strongly believe there should be a closure to all relationships. Only then do we have pleasant memories, otherwise all that stays behind is unanswered questions that cause anguish.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Of men and ships

If you want to build a ship, don't drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea.

-Antoine-Marie-Roger de Saint-Exupery

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Reaching into the void

The International Finance Centre, Hong Kong

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Saturday, February 17, 2007


"Reach for the sun, O new-age-Icarus! Thou shalt not fall for thy wings are made of the sternest stuff. Dream the highest dreams, do not look back, for the future is yours to conquer. Adieu!I wish you the very best."

- Supriyo Bose, IIT Kanpur - 2003